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December 23, 2012
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Thunderkit opened her eyes to a bright shaft of light coming from the nursery entrance. Ever sins green-leaf had started, every morning she had bun woken up by the light.she tried to nudge her way out of the pile of kits sleeping.once she was out, she begun walking towards the exit.
"where do you think your going?"
moonshade, her mother meowed, then grabbed her and set her dawn back inside the nest
"i was just going to see sandpaw, i promise i wasn't going to sneak out" thunderkit squiked, trying to escape her mothers paws.
"fine, but only if you take a buddie" moonshade said, nudging her towards the other kits.
"but im old enough to go on my own! i don't need a travel buddie. im only going to the apprentice den." arguing was useless. her mother was one of the most stubborn cats in the clan.
she sighed, than walked towards the other kits. the only ones that wouldn't get made ot her for waking them were skykit or ravenkit. she slowly crep throo the sleeping kit until she reached ravenkit. his tail was barley twitching, and he was sprawled out on the ground.
"psst...ravenkit....wake up" she hissed, poking his ribs with her tiny paw.
"wha...thunderkit?" ravenkit said, as he roas to his paws.
"moonshade wants me to take someone with me to go to the apprentice den." she said. ravenkit stretched and started walking with thunderkit towards the exit. not many other cats were in the clearing, only jadestar and dapplepelt were talking near the fresh-kill pile. she could hear pawsteps inside the apprentice den.
"do you think bluepaw will want to play with us?" ravenpaws mew came from just behind her.
"i hope so. i found a realy bug feather yesterday, maby she will tech us to hunt birds!" thunderkit squiked happily. she began running towards the apprentice den, than finally made it.
she poked her head in the entrance, and saw that bluefur and sandpaw were still sleeping. the only cats thet were awake were sharppaw and snakepaw. they were talking in the back of the den. snakepaw heard them arive and looked up from the mouce they were eating. thunderkit felt her chest tighten. sharpclaw always bullied the kits, and snakepaw would just sit there laughing.
"hi!" ravenkit meowed happily then walked in.
"ravenkit wait!" she quietly meowed, but it was to late. ravenkit walked upto sharppaw and snakepaw. she had bun to choice but to follow him in. keeping her head low, she walked right behind him.
"what are you two doing here" snakepaw meowed.
"we wanted to play with bluefur" ravenkit meowed.
"we?" sharppaw meowed, then flicked ravenkit with his tail
"that little mix-blood runt behind you looks like she would rather go back to her precious stoneclan." sharppaw laughed standing up and walking twards thunderkit.
"ummm....i...uuuhhhh." thunderkis mumbled, staring up at sharppaw.
snakepaw stood up and walked over to thunderkit and sat dawn.
"if you want to play, meby we could teach you some battle moves." snakepaw meowed.
"realy?" ravenkit squiked.
"yea. maby we can make you into something useful..." sharppaw meowed, looking at snakepaw.
"follow us"

sharppaw led thunderkit and raven kit to behind the apprentice den, and into a small sandy clearing.
"first, ill show you something relay easy. thunderkit, come here" sharppaw meowed.
thunderkits legs trembled ans she slowly walked over to where sharppaw stood. he was twice her size, and his amber eyes seems to burn into hers. he took about two steps back, and crouched dawn
"this is the easyest move i know. its just swatting at your enemy, and pining him to the ground." he said
"like this"
sharppaw, jumped at thunder kit with his paws outstretched. he batted her to the side,and thunderkit flopped onto the ground like a piece of fresh-kill.he jumped onto her back and held her dawn. his weight crushed her, and all she could say was a few gasping breaths.
"and thats all you half to do. well, in a  real fight it would be alot harder. you would be facing a pure-blood cat that knows how to fight" sharp claw said, getting of her. she jumped up and swatted sharppaw across the face.
"you almost killed me you fatty!" thunderkit hissed. her claws hardly did anything, all that was left was a small red mark on his check.
"what did you just call me?" he said, and started slowly walking towards her.
"ummm....uhhh" she looked over to where ravenkit was. he must have gone somewhere.
"dont eavn try to act brave. jadestars never going to make you an apprentice you half-blood!" sharpclaw said, and swatted his paw at her. the hit was strong and well-aimed. it sent her flying, and she landed in a soft patch of sand. sharppaw walked over to her and leand over to her ear. "and when she deosant ill-"
"whats going on here?" a familiar voice came from the back of the clearing. thunderkit looked over and saw jadestar,sandpaw,skykit and ravenkit. everything must have looked very strange for them. sharppaw leaning over thunderkit laying in the sand.
"umm i...erm..." sharppaw said, than looked back at thunderkit.
"well look at that" sandpaw laughed at the sight of thunderkit and sharpclaw.
thunderkit scrambled out and rand back to ravenkits side.
"get back to camp thunderkit, and sharppaw, may i have a word with you?"
thunderkit looked at ravenkit, and they both ran back to camp with skykit.
once they reached camp, almost all the cats were awake. they headed for the fresh kill pine, and picked a mouce.
"thunderkit, what was going on back there?" ravenkit said.
"he was just being a fox-heart, as usual..." thunderkit said, her ears hot with embarisment.
"awww, thunderkits in love!" skykit said laughing.
"shut up, no im not!" thunderkit said, and playfully batted skykit in the ear.
"thuderkit, a word." she heard a voice call from the leaders den.
"...good luck" ravenkit meowed ans him and skykit both laughed.
jadestar and sharclaw were both at the leaders den, both waiting for her.
once she got there, sharpclaw was staring at his paws.
"sharclaw said that you two were just play fighting, and it wasn't a real arguments, or anything els, is that true?" jadestar said.
"yes, of course! nothing more, nothing less..." her paws tingled with embaresment.
"ok then. you better go wash up then, get that dust off you" jadestar said.
"you wouldent want to be dirty for your aprentic seramony"
"what?!" sharclaw blurted out, then slapped his tail over his mouth.
"realy?" she said
"yes. you, skykit,ravenkit, and metalkit."
"wow, thanks!" she said.
"naw go tell them, it will be held at sun-high." jadestar said.
sharpclaw stormed away while growling, and thunderkit raced over to tell her friends
c: first chapte im mai new book. tell me if theres any mistake

this is based of of warrior cats by erin hunter.
blegh. too much typing

hope you like it :3
:iconheronwolf:
Hi there!

First of I'd like to say that I found the story thus far original, haven't read a lot of stories from a cat's point of view, and this made me want to read ahead.
I think you might have something here.

Now as for my comments, I have a few. First off I'd advise you to look at the grammar of the chapter. Using spaces between sentences, capital letters when you start a sentence, commas as well, will help the reader read the story.

Secondly the many names of the kittens and cats, Ravenkit, Thunderkit etc., are fun names, but kind of similar. When you use a lot of them it gets confusing. Perhaps describing only a few off them, or changing their names so they're less similar might help. Something like Thunder and Raven might work better.

The third point I'd like to make is the use of meow. It might sound boring, but it's usually enough to say 'said' instead. I would use words like meow, hiss, or something else only if they really add something to the story. Otherwise said is okay.

I hope my thoughts are of help, they're just suggestions mind you ;-)

Looking forward to the next chapter.
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:icontateetah:
tateetah Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Mistakes in what?
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:iconstreamthewolf:
streamthewolf Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Student Digital Artist
with any spelling, or grammar
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:icontateetah:
tateetah Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Okay:


*sins: since
*bun: been
*light.she: light. She
*sleeping.once: sleeping. Once
*begun: began (?)
*im: I'm
*buddie: buddy
*the only ones that wouldn't get made ot her: the only ones that wouldn't get mad at her (I assumed here that you meant 'mad' from the context of the sentence. Am I right?)
* bug: big?
* tech: teach
*realy: really
* squiked: squeaked
* than: then (from the context of the sentence here, use then instead of than. Than is used to compare more than list things. (see, I used it there!))


There is much more here. This only up to about "she began running towards the apprentice den, than finally made it." If it's okay with you, I was thinking about maybe copying this into a word doc and retyping it and then posting it as your revised story? I promise I won't change anything about the storyline, and you can copy it back from my 'repost' and post it as your own. I will give full credit to you.
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